Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Life has been interesting lately. It seems to have taken me to the edge and back, I feel like the world is flat. I have learnt so much and so have my poor old family, but I think it's all been beneficial. My kids have (even though been under a lot of pressure) manage to complete important studies. My husband has learned a lot about housework!! and my poor old mum and sister have probably spent far more time in hospital than they would have preferred.
In fact, life has been put on hold for a while. The cancer journey continues to have it's ups and downs. At the moment we are looking if it is possible for me to manage at home with some palliative nurses which involves figuring out all my gadgets and meds so everyone can cope on the home front.
I don't know why but a silly song keeps going through my head singing "my boomerang won't come back". I know you are all praying for me because I can feel it and some magical things are happening.. had a special person come to visit me and I received an amazing healing.
So that's it for now folks, my lovely Lara is managing my blog for me, and so I hope all goes well with my bloggy friends and I'll speak again asap.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Okay so we get it now that it is probably the pain meds causing all the problems i am having with breathing... So time to back off... i am hoping that my liver has reduced enough for me to cope without the stronger pain meds... It seems i can take a drug but that there is a time limit when my body will say whoa ENOUGH! So now i am going through withdrawal X:-/ Am pumping myself with the ONE pain med i can take for longer periods and sleeping it all off!
In short i am buried in a cocoon...Have had some interesting things happen though here in my Sacred Space like... My deceased GrandPa came to quietly visit and some cheeky little monkey put their hand near my face and went "Whaaa!" ...These have happened while i have been wide awake and eyes opened! ...And my dreams man! Hope it is over soon!
At the moment i have a dodgy short term memory... THAT is VERY annoying for someone who is used to multi-multi tasking! But as usual i try to look at the benefits and 'reason' so that i can move myself through this awkward time... Perhaps i am at that point of time now where i need to let go of my material worlde and concentrate on the inner...
i have had to look death in the face lately for example during one of my emergency sprints to hospital they thought that i may have had lung clots... But these 'attacks' of not being able to breathe have had me wondering lately about what dying of cancer might actually involve... Will those last few breaths be difficult? i remember my GrandPa struggling to let go of life... Or will i be surrounded by those gone before me and gently taken from my body? i wonder these things as when i have had these 'bouts' of being unable to breathe, i have had hyperventilating on top of it and it has been such a dreadful, panicky feeling... i don't want my passing to be like this, especially not as it would distress my family so and they have been through enough already... Nurses have told me that this is why some patients will go when their family is not around... To spare them...
Well this is all very morbid isn't it? But you know it shouldn't be... i have always spoken to my children of death and they have been at funerals and cemeteries... We have had 'Spirits' in our house and i have (until i became ill) been a member of a 'Spiritual Circle' and i have had many Spiritual personal experiences... But now it has become more 'real' i guess you could say because now it is ME looking death in the eye! It is just all so very curious and i am one of those types that once she knows the ins and outs of a thing then i feel better...But this is one of those subjects where 'Faith' steps in, where i need to find that inner strength... Testing time perhaps?
So while i rest and recoup and ponder these bigger questions of Life... i will think about you all and remember all the wonderful prayers you have sent my way and i will attempt to find 'my answers' so that i may have the 'Gift of Life' a little longer... For now i have learned to stop and enjoy the Evening-time and have learned to turn off the telly to listen to the bird songs and breathe in the sweetness of a Springtime day... i have learned to stop and listen to my children's wisdom and accept my mother's help and i have learned most importantly that ~Love~ is everything and that it can come in many small and mysterious ways... Most wondrously it can reach me from all corners of the worlde and wrap me like a blanket... And for all these wonderful gifts i am most grateful from the bottom of my Heart and send it back to ~You All~ ten-fold X:-)
(Ps) i'll be back!!! For i am not done yet! *Kisses*
Friday, October 14, 2011
Yesterday morning i was sitting quite happily on tha loo, minding my own business, when suddenly an icy coldness crept from my toes to my chest and then my head went all dizzy... Wasting no time i finished up and quickly got to the couch... Unconsciousness looming i started to panic and hyperventilate (again)... This time with no hesitation i asked my husband to call for an ambulance... Last trip in an ambulance the Paramedics said never to hesitate to call and as there is a depot just around the corner the call was made... My mum spoke with them... She had stayed the night before as i had noticed blood in my urine and so she was organised to take me to the doctors about it... Too late! So off i went for another Ambulance trip! By this time i was starting to feel fine and secretly wondering if i could play hooky... But no (Sighhh) once there, the tests began... Bloods were taken and then i was hooked up and given fluids (As i was deemed a little dehydrated)... Then my Oncologist was called and a CT scan was set up (Aaaarrrggghhh! And you KNOW how i feel about THEM!!!) But the staff/nurses/technicians were so incredibly kind and patient and my Doc so gentle and thorough that what could i do but comply (Lol!)
So now after a full day spent in hospital yesterday, i await test results and doc appointments... One little scary thought occurred when during my CT a tech asked me if i had ever had any kidney surgery? No i sighed but i have noticed blood in my urine (Damit!) Although the tests in hospital all showed no bloody urine but some slight sign of infection, so fingers crossed i whispered to myself UNTIL... The very kind nurse said "Good Luck" as they wheeled me back to ED (Emergency Department)...
Last time i heard that from a Radiology Dept i was diagnosed with breast cancer (Do you think i should tell them one day that those words strike fear into hearts of cancer patients?)
So anyway after another blood test this morning (for 'cancer markers' in readiness of my Oncologist visit on Tuesday) hubby and i dropped some chokkies off at the ED... To say ~Thankyou~ for all the kindness and care that ALL the staff (Including the coffee trolley lady!) gave Mum and i (who kindly sat all day on a hard chair to hold my hand through everything) and guess what i got this afternoon? ...A phone call from the Doc who treated me to say ~Thankyou~ for my ~Thankyou~ *Giggle* Isn't that just the sweetest thing ya eva heard ♥ ♥ ♥ Thankyou Universe/God for the ~Angels~ that you send me in all sorts of clothing... Who would have ever thought that Angels love chocolates too!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
a little ~Blue Bird~ has been visiting my sister at work
He shows up each day on her window sill
with a little brown Sparrow...
The interesting part of this little story
is that in Australia...
There is no such thing!?!
She is currently trying to get a photo of this little chap...
But he is so quick... That she only has a blurry pic on her mobile
i suggested a little 'seed bell' to slow him down...
i ~Believe~ Spiritually~ he comes with a message for my sister...
that she has yet to contemplate...
Isn't ~Life~ mysterious!