Are we there yet?

I'm going to be honest with you...
Part of the reason, i believe i am ill, is due to my emotional health...
In my particular case the BC relates to my relationship with my husband
and thus ultimately, because i believe that all is a reflection of the self
this is ultimately about me and the way i relate to my worlde...

Cancer = is long held anger
Left breast = relationship with partner (Right is with the world at large)
Liver is where we process and let go of our emotions
So there is no surprises here is there... Liver overload!

I have known of this for a long time, deep within...
Pregnant and then married for all the wrong reasons
(To appease an insecure partner)
More children to fill the empty days i spent alone due to a workaholic partner

I did with my life ALL the things i promised myself
as a young and independent woman, that i would never do!
i became such a cliche!
But i felt compelled (i can explain it no other way)
To work through my mess, to find the meaning in the all the pain
and the loss and the sadness and the anger that filled my every cell...

But it has taken a long time...
i have cried until the tears no longer came
i tried to be 'perfect' until i realised that there was no such thing!
i tried to speak of the pain i could not understand,
until my friends became weary
i put everything into my beautiful children forgetting myself
pretending that my~self was not important
i eventually allowed the pain to close my heart
and like a faerie tale, it became a cold painful crystal in my chest

In a way i died... then my life reflected that death
and my Dad died (of a sudden asthma attack)
and my first born nearly died (Of anaphylactic shock)
and then my life became simply about surviving every day
and like a zombie i would wake up each morning
surprised that the pain in my heart had not killed me...
i would wake up every morning and smile at the world and pretend
that i was happily married...
and nobody knew except my very closest of family and friends

And this became the process of my awakening...
i slowly discovered that i was but a human
i found that i was but flesh and bone and vulnerable
i found that others were like me, suffering silently
and like me not brave enough to hear the calling from within

This has been a painful process
i am not perfect, i am faulty and full of contradictions
i am still angry and sad and regretful... about some things
Especially the example i have set my children...

But in this journey i have discovered
that illness has come to teach me how to ~Live~
Illness has come to introduce me to my ~Soul~
and as i listen to the emerging voice from within...
Meaning begins to surface ...and i hear the voice of my Heart

This is not a journey for the faint hearted i have discovered
and requires my full commitment...
And at times i slip and fall because i am human
Sometimes i pull the covers over my head and get lazy
and think to myself, just what would it be... to give up?

And then inevitably something ~Magical~ will happen
to remind me that i am not alone...
That the journey with my husband has taught me much about myself
that i could never have discovered by myself...
That my children are God's gifts come to teach me of ~Love~
and save me from myself...
That i have purpose and significance and a reason to BE

And so this morning as i look at my poor ailing body
that seems so distorted and foreign to me now
and write these heartfelt words
i whisper to my self that not all is lost...
That pain is workable, that cells renew and that ~Miracles~
are simply decisions of the Heart...

to ~Heal~



<3