Okay so we get it now that it is probably the pain meds causing all the problems i am having with breathing... So time to back off... i am hoping that my liver has reduced enough for me to cope without the stronger pain meds... It seems i can take a drug but that there is a time limit when my body will say whoa ENOUGH!
Have had some interesting things happen though here in my Sacred Space like... My deceased GrandPa came to quietly visit and some cheeky little monkey put their hand near my face and went "Whaaa!" ...These have happened while i have been wide awake and eyes opened! ...And my dreams man! Hope it is over soon!
At the moment i have a dodgy short term memory... THAT is VERY annoying for someone who is used to multi-multi tasking! But as usual i try to look at the benefits and 'reason' so that i can move myself through this awkward time... Perhaps i am at that point of time now where i need to let go of my material worlde and concentrate on the inner...
i have had to look death in the face lately for example during one of my emergency sprints to hospital they thought that i may have had lung clots... But these 'attacks' of not being able to breathe have had me wondering lately about what dying of cancer might actually involve... Will those last few breaths be difficult? i remember my GrandPa struggling to let go of life... Or will i be surrounded by those gone before me and gently taken from my body? i wonder these things as when i have had these 'bouts' of being unable to breathe, i have had hyperventilating on top of it and it has been such a dreadful, panicky feeling... i don't want my passing to be like this, especially not as it would distress my family so and they have been through enough already... Nurses have told me that this is why some patients will go when their family is not around... To spare them...
Well this is all very morbid isn't it? But you know it shouldn't be... i have always spoken to my children of death and they have been at funerals and cemeteries... We have had 'Spirits' in our house and i have (until i became ill) been a member of a 'Spiritual Circle' and i have had many Spiritual personal experiences... But now it has become more 'real' i guess you could say because now it is ME looking death in the eye! It is just all so very curious and i am one of those types that once she knows the ins and outs of a thing then i feel better...But this is one of those subjects where 'Faith' steps in, where i need to find that inner strength... Testing time perhaps?
So while i rest and recoup and ponder these bigger questions of Life... i will think about you all and remember all the wonderful prayers you have sent my way and i will attempt to find 'my answers' so that i may have the 'Gift of Life' a little longer... For now i have learned to stop and enjoy the Evening-time and have learned to turn off the telly to listen to the bird songs and breathe in the sweetness of a Springtime day... i have learned to stop and listen to my children's wisdom and accept my mother's help and i have learned most importantly that ~Love~ is everything and that it can come in many small and mysterious ways... Most wondrously it can reach me from all corners of the worlde and wrap me like a blanket... And for all these wonderful gifts i am most grateful from the bottom of my Heart and send it back to ~You All~ ten-fold X:-)
(Ps) i'll be back!!! For i am not done yet! *Kisses*
20 comments:
I think the inner peace is always within and the convulsive nature in which we detest leaving our material life and the struggle that appears to be on the outside, is surely as we observe the body resisting.
Our mind and our love for the world and those around never ceases with its strength, the mind especially becomes confused when the will and the soul resist the wrapper of our muscles and bones.
Make fun of your eye open visitors, what spirits visit you are meant to make you forget the body's aches and distract you from the mind's wishes. Play Games with them take into your heart all that you love the mind will see clearly that we love our neighbors and our enemies. Accept your visitors, deal with your pains with the meds your skin and bones can handle and remember the things that confuse you are usually Ironic in nature and meant to bring a tear if not a laugh to your heart. The hearts tears are closely masked by our will, beings both spiritual and human we choose to mask our hearts tears as we elect them not to effect others woes. An angels tears we never see,... A being that is angelic in nature is the one that we saw rise above the turmoil and bring peace to the disharmony that was around.
You just have to be in the mood to laugh always and with every turn, for if the light is in your eyes and you are smiling then those you love will know that in your soul you are at peace.
This morning in mass, Father told this joke, a man came to rent a horse, the cattleman said this isn't a regular horse, we got him from the monastery as they were shutting down. He doesn't take to regular commands you can't use Giddyup to Go and Whoa to Stop. This horse understands Thank God to Go and Amen to stop. The man renting the horse, sid fine fine. He sat on the horse and get going Giddy up, nothing the horse sat motionless. Finally the man remembered what the cattleman had said, and spoke Thank God, and off he and the horse went. Very quickly they raced faster and faster approaching a cliff the man said whoooaaa. Nothing the horse sped forward. Closer and closer they came to the cliff, moments to go to flying off into the abyss, the man remembered it was AMEN, that stops the fleeing horse and he spoke AMEN right at the precipice of the cliff,. Whew he wiped his brow, Thank God he said.
Our prayers are with you Nolly Posh.
aw vicki...this is a very honest and real post from you and i will treat it with all the reverence my sadness can muster.
i am so sorry you must face such a serious preparation. you are so courageous and i think the Angels will know that.
in my Father's last hours, his hospice nurse was very insistent that he have a certain drug that prevented choking and fluid buildup in his throat. it allowed him to breathe in peace to the end. will you have hospice, vicki? they will help you plan...
i know these last two ambulance and hospital trips have been very very scary. i know your heart welcomes healing and accepts. you can be sure your blogging buddies here will walk with you, will stay with you.
damn cancer.
love
kj
You are so brave and so strong. I will continue to pray and send you energy.
bless you
Sweet Vicki, may you continue to feel the warmth and love of all supporting you on your journey.
It does seem that our journeys are running slightly parallel at this time.I seek answers to the questions you have asked.
I believe Love is all there is, hence it is my gift to you always.
"The hearts tears are closely masked by our will, beings both spiritual and human we choose to mask our hearts tears as we elect them not to effect others woes"...
An explanation:
You are strong on the outside because you want others not to know the torment and pain you are going through on the inside. You are strong so that others can be at ease. We can cry on the inside the way angels cry for us and look after us and say prayers over us. The way our children kneel at their bedsides and say prayers for us with their little hands together and their pure hearts reaching to the hope and faith they have that we might have the strength to see them through a more pure life, complete with love and joy.
By sharing your torment with your friends you have truly shown you are our heroe because you have your strife to say to us, I am done with it, I can see it for what it is, I am so over this, it has not beaten me, and I can still think clearly. And ... Its so terrible to start a sentence with and.
And... your friends breathe a sigh of relief in knowing you have conquered the awful and look into the yet unknown and are totally prepared knowing you have the support of a magnitude of friends and love that is yet immeassurable and uncomparable.
Oh Nolly, what you have been through! My poor mom is having a fight with pain meds too and she hates them, so I can guess at how awful it all is, but you always find a silver lining and that is the the thing to do. Sending love and prayers and giant hugs.xoxo
I have seen quite a few deaths, and they were nearly all peaceful--especially my parents'. I guess there are a lot of variables about such things.
Thinking of you sweetly, Love.
You know, Nollyposh, I don't suppose that you and I will ever get to meet face-to-face, and that is very sad to me. You mean a lot.
Dear One,I have been away for a few days...and see what I have missed.
You, dear Brave Woman, NEVER cease to astound and amaze me.... you look Death squarely in the eye....and move forward....
I read our friend *Snowbrush's* comments and I feel so bad....but you and I know, we WILL meet...and *Mr. Snow* too.... this is not the end. You WILL be back.... one thing I know....*meeting* you has enriched my life....you have taught me a lot - about so many things..... you have changed my life....
I reamin here.....sending love and strength to you, beautiful Vicki. Do not give up.....you not only enrich my life, but all of our lives....we want you here.
I know you feel my hug and gentle kiss on your brow.
ALL my strength is headed your way...amd you are in my prayers 24/7.
Love, love and even more LOVE.
♥ Robin ♥
Robin, dear, I had just as soon that you be right, and I be wrong.
i do believe the line from one place to another is paper thin and i do believe robin is right.
i take mountainous comfort in both beliefs
♥
kj
I love that you talk about death. It makes me sad to hear you talk about yours, but don't stop.
Alright you gave us all a pretty good scare for All Hallows Eve, our Halloween. So now come out and play.
Sincerely,
The Tusk
Happy Halloween
You tell her, Tusky. Nollyposh, you now have your blog family's rapt attention. You need never visit my blog again for all I care because I know your energy is low, and all I really want is to know how you are doing. I go to bed thinking about you, and I remember you lovingly all through the day.
We are all thinking about you daily... Sweet Vicki... may your dreams be as sweet and magical as you.... we do WANT you to awaken from them though... your voice, your wisdom, your humour....all is needed!!!!
Hear us!!!
Love and many gentle hugs,
♥ Robin ♥
The Tusk *Giggle* Thankyou for that X:-)
kj it makes me feel safe to know that you will hold my hand when the time comes... i am organizing to see a psychologist who deals particularly with cancer and therefore i hope to express some things that will help me to get on with my life in a more cheerful and appreciative way X:-)
Angela *Kisses*
Cheryl it is some ride hey... Perhaps we just need more to learn, i send you my Heart too xox
Annie ~LOVE~ to your Mum and You, it is a rocky road we travel but remember that we have choices about what the Doc's put into us... i am lucky that my Doc trusts my understanding of my body X:-)
Dear Snow we meet it's just not in the regular way... You mean just as much to me as if i met you in the flesh xox
Robin my Angel you will Always be... i am the Lucky One, you are such a dedicated friend, Love you to bits Always xox
kj the veil is so thin... Just wish it was thinner <3
Zom my Dearest i try to put my Heart on these pages and i Love that you journey with me and understand xox
Dearest Nolly, my thoughts and prayers are with you...I send Reiki blessings to you each evening.
I know you are not done yet. You are such an amazing teacher and you still have much to teach. Hang in there, dear...you will get through this latest bump. xx
I somehow missed this post. Ah well, catching up now :)
My husband's father came to visit him the night before he died of cancer. I am convinced he was there when Mark passed, to help him.
Death isn't morbid to me. There is something peaceful and beautiful about it.
And you, I suspect that till the last minute, you will remain just how you are - full of laughter, love and life.
AH, this is the most beautiful post in the world, not at all morbid, but real, and one we can all learn from... as we will all walk this path someday. Thank you Vicki, now gone from us, for going ahead and writing it to us, sharing it, so we too can grow from your journey. That is so like you... Love, Rochelle
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