~Heart~to~Heart

Hi Guys...
It has been some time since we have have a 'proper' chat...



So i thought as last night i got some 'real' sleep for a change
(Steroids side-effect= sleep deprivation!)
and have a clearer mind... i thought how about a bloggy UPDATE
So here i am X:-)

Healthwise: i decided to cut short the chemo i was having by one week...
(Although all blood reports were showing very positive results)
Was having it every Monday with one week off...
Did five cycles... Stopped due to the side effects, that have become debilitating
i am now so bloated that simple walking has become too difficult...
( i even have been issued a disability sticker for the car!)
So i thought to myself, well we just can't have THAT!
One of my main concerns, was that i was becoming quite depressed
and was finding my ~Healing~ on an emotional level too tiring...
And if you know me well, you will understand that
that is HOW i go about my ~Healing~ and how VERY important it is to me...
So the chemo had to finish a bit sooner, but my Oncologist agreed
(Given my physical state where my weight due to edema
has increased to 100 kilos!!!)

As an example to you, just how bloated my poor bod is...
my legs have 'sprung leaks' which need constant care
as they can become infected (Which i am struggling with at the moment! Grrr!)
i have weekly palliative care nurses who visit me at home
for advice and suggestions and are wonderful with organizational stuff
so in that respect i am very well cared for...
Anyway SO THAT is the whingy side of myself that has kept me to myself quite a bit lately
And due to this whingy side of myself, the lack of mobility and because this bloated~ness
is not just confined to my legs but all over... and i mean ALL over! (EVEN my butt cheeks!)

Sighhhhhh... i donot resemble ~myself~ at all! (If i rely on a mirror image)
and that in it's self is quite confronting, BUT of course a part of the process...
In the teaching me what 'holding on' is/does to you physically
and to understand what releasing is all about...
i also recognize this on a global level (With all the Earth Quakes/Tsunami/Floods/Fires)
and see ~Mother Nature~ as my reflection of this process also...



Some of the ~energy work~ that i have managed ...
Has involved working on my ~Mother-Daughter~ relationship
My ~Daughter-Mother~ relationships, my ~Mother-Son~ relationship
AND of course my marriage...
i have been doing this work through my diary's (That i have kept since i was 9yrs old)
and of course through communication and my...Art Journalling (Art Therapy i guess)...

It has been quite exhausting at times, as i have discovered all the anger
and feelings that i have swallowed over the years...
then i have burned the diary's and worked in my journal/s...
Some of the most interesting insights have been the 'gaps' within the books...
The silences in the pages where i have swallowed the words instead of writing them down...
Discovering all this one can then understand all this bloating
(on the emotional level) and it all makes complete sense on the physical!
My wonderful cousin and Healer ~Shantaya~ has helped me enormously
with understanding how my world reflects ~myself~
which intellectually i have been taught and 'know'
but it is a completely different thing
when it comes to the actual applying to oneself i am afraid
and i cannot express how much i ~Love~ her Wonderful and Selfless Insights
and Patience and Love she has shown me even as i have pushed her away
in fearing to ~Hear~ the ~Truth~ ...She is a wonderful mentor and teacher X:-)



So tomorrow i see my Oncologist to recieve my latest CT scan results
then Tuesday i see a new Doctor who works in the palliative care area
and hopfully can give me some help and advice on the physical level
Because how to achieve better ~Quality of Life~is his 'thing'
and do you know how i know all will be well?
Remember how ~The Other Side~ promised to keep giving me "signs"
that they were working with me and to remind me that i was not alone?...
Yes you guessed it they have sent me another "David"...
...All my Doctors have been "Davids" X:-)
(And 'they' have been flashing the lights too! Funny old ~Spirits~!)



Some of the amazing insights i have had have involved my ~children~
For example as i have learned on an emotional level to ~let go~
they have (without any knowledge of what i have experienced)
they have come to me with wise insights or dreams or experiences
that have been direct reflections of what i have been working on/with
My mum has been very patient with my honesty of the past...
Letting go of 'mother issues' is very difficult
(as anyone who has attempted it will understand)
and must also be hard to ~hear~ but she has been patient and kind
and i ~Love~ her for this showing of her ~Love~

i also had this fixation that i must be the family 'fixer'...
and have worried about family relationships and how i must try to 'fix' them
until my cous helped me to understand that what i was really trying to do
was 'fix' myself...
For example i discovered that i was angry with one of my favorite Aunty's for her divorce
(which was years ago i might add!)... i started to feel angry as i did my healing work
but couldn't figure out why i should be angry with her until i made her my mirror image...
And discovered i was not actually angry with her,
but angry with myself for MY lack of conviction and bravery
in relationships of my own...
Another very favorite Aunty i wanted to 'fix' her relationships with her sisters
Rose colored glasses and all that, until i realized that my Aunty's issues with her sisters
were actually my issues with myself and was all about my own self-esteem
and how that reflected in the men that i chose as partners in my life...

I have discovered that we all come to ~This Place~ to ~Learn~ these things
intellectually i have come to understand these lessons...
but my ~Heart~ has had to learn these things and i am a stubborn woman
i have also discovered... and so my lessons come with a kick so that i donot miss them!

The Liver is the second biggest organ of the body and is all about cleansing and letting go
Most breast cancer if it metastases traditionally (but not always)
goes, breast, bone, lung and then liver...
i went breast to central liver, with no chance of surgery...
i recon that's a big sign don't you, about the 'work' i'm ~here~ to do...



Essentially it's all about ~Loving and Caring~ for each other
(ie) Mother Nature's current actions...

Which if you see it as a ~Reflection of Self~
...is all about ~Love of Self~

Which is All and the Same...

i Love YOU

<3