So just what is it that you "DO" Vicki???i get asked this question often...
Being a married, at home mother of three
(and did so again over this last week-end)
and i always find it a little confronting...
the person's eyes looking deep into mine
the question bouncing off the inside of my head...
because with my palms starting to sweat
and my face starting to heat up...
What i can actually hear echoing to my Soul is...
Who are you???
And i find myself mumbling:
You see i have this little Life
this nice little life
this simple kinda life
full of all the quiet sort of things...
that just don't seem very earth~shattering
And then i go home and i ponder upon my quiet little Life...
i was the type of kid at school who had a few nice friends
who did all her homework, got good marks
and who went about making sure she was a "good girl"...
i went on to get a job, in a great company in the industry i wanted
not particularly because i was extraordinarily talented
but because i was nice and organized and easy trained...
Fate then stepped in and my career moved in a different direction
but again i simply reset my focus, made new friends and went on...
When Fate showed up next (i was in my early twenties)
and then i ended up in a different state (WA)
in a different job, making more new friends and so i went about again
being the ~nice girl~
Then one Fateful day...
i was sent a thirty something man and became pregnant
(Pretty close together!) and before i knew it i was the mother of three
living in a lovely community, in a cute cottage...
making more ~nice~ friends...
Now my Life of course has been much more than just these things...
there being the divorce of my parents while i was still young
the dysfunctional relationship with my Dad
the consistent moving from house to house
and that constant feeling of being ~Lost~
in an Ordinary Life
So when someone on the weekend asked me again
just what is it that i DO everyday???
i couldn't find the words to say...
that as i have gone about my quiet little Life
trying to fill the gaps with nice people
and pets, and partying and occasional educational courses...
That i found that even so the emptiness and the gaps and the quietness
just kept growing
until one day it became impossible to fill my quiet little Life anymore
with the mundane...
Until one day i heard a noise
the kind of noise that blocks everything out
the kind of blinding ripping noise
that your ~Heart~ makes when it is
*Breaking*
and that on that Fate~filled day
when i slipped through the cracks of my quiet little Life
and into the noise Beyond...
It was to a place where my relationship crumbled and my Dad died
and my firstborn got so sick that my health disappeared too
and Fate screamed so loud in my face...
that i shattered into a gazillion pieces
My Life? What was ever my Life?
My Life... What IS a Life???
i shout at the corners of my mind...
When they ask me what i do in my ~Quiet Little Life~
For My Life is a journey of gathering up all the pieces
My Life is about finding the courage to wake up each day
My Life is about looking into the Love of my children's eyes where their Soul's Live
and remembering i am in there somewhere too
My Life is about seeing the pain that surrounds me
in the eyes of my friends and family
and swallowing it...
My Life is about Listening to the stillness and hearing the screams there
My Life is an illusion in this quietness
where i spend everyday trying to find the stillness of my Soul
so that i can ask the very same question of myself...
Who am i?
...and just what is it that i do???
13 comments:
wv = restia! Lol
Well you know as well as i do, that you are a human being, not a human doing.You spread love and peace to everyone, and you bring delight with your craft. You are raising three human beings with such love and care, just as you promised God you would. Maybe you haven't even begun your other calling yet, who knows? But I have a sneaky suspicion that what you 'do' is too profound for dinner party smalltalk anyway.
xx♥
Oh darling Vicki
you are the confirmation of Soul and Soul Love - and it is no wonder that you cannot fit your huge BEINg into that limited little question...
I am deeply grateful for your Voice.
Now here is the mischievous answer, teehee.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing, all day long." and then a big smile as you look them right in the eye.
or
"I speak to the angels and the faeries, write deep wisdom, and watch God living through me." a big grin like you are just joking.
hee hee hee i love zoms answers!
i understand you completely, many moons ago i wrote a blog post about just this, i was getting asked for interviews and had to supply a 'bio' the very idea of which i baulked at. i said to anyone who would listen, how am i supposed to fit my self into words and fit those words onto half an A4 sheet?
who i am today is not who i will be tomorrow. who i am today will never be repeated again. so i just wrote some things that were covered in fairy dust and giggled because i knew it wasnt what they wanted but i knew they would be too scared to ask for anything else from me LOLOL
i love you because you are you and i think you do a wonderful job of being you.
of course you could always say this: (you may have had this email before *giggle)
A woman, renewing her driver's license, was asked by the woman at Registry to state her occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
'What I mean is, ' explained the woman at Registry,
'do you have a job or are you just a .....?'
'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.
'I'm a Mum.'
'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation,
'housewife' covers it,'
Said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself
in the same situation.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
'Official Interrogator' or 'City Registrar.'
'What is your occupation?' she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
'I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations.'
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and
looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words..
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,
'just what you do in your field?'
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
'I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.'
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern..
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mum.'
Motherhood!
What a glorious career!
you are so very loved Vicki by so many. your role is beyond important. i just wish you got paid more for your services.
xxme
Just an inquiry? Do they celebrate Mother's Day in the down under. As Mother's Day here in the states is the second Sunday in May. I hope you all don't mind I'll be stealing much of your stories in the form of applauding my wife Mother of two.
Sincerely,
Rob Toscano
I agree with Zom. YOu live a HUGE life and we are all more than the lives we seem to be living. There is so much more going on than meets the eye. Sending you hugs!
P.S. I rented the first DVD of "Lost" in honor of you.
xoxox
Vicki, how lovely and brave of you to write this. As I am a very new blogging friend, I knew none of your story. But, I did see the glimmer of hurt and sadness behind your blue eyes....how well I know that feeling.
You really are an inspiration - Mum to three children, a wonderful artist, an eloquent writer - and someone who "looks out for Fairies" and believes in the Magic of Life and Beyond.
In three more days, I will cross the one year anniversary of the day my life was ripped apart... it's been a struggle and as you know, when events like this happen, you change forever. There's no going back.
But, last year, I "met" Renee - and she, more than any other, gave me courage to stand up and try to live again. I began my blog and met some wonderful people (YOU included).
Life is still hard and sometimes sad.... I have good days, bad days...but, one thing I know, is that sharing life with friends (be it "in-person" or "blogging" has really helped me..... you, my friend, do A LOT in this world. Your blog is filled with music, with art, with life, with LOVE.
And that's all that really matters.
Love,
♥ Robin ♥
what a beautiful, albeit sad, post! You are a wonderful writer. You are the Chief Executive Officer (CEO) of your world. I can tell from your blog, which I found via Jenny's at Whimsy, that you have created a wonderful world in which you and your children live. Excellent job, CEO! You will no doubt produce some highly qualified individuals as your children grow and enter the world...and a very happy Mother's day to you!
i ~Love~ you guys
and i REALLY mean that!
With all my Heart...
i ~Love~ you guys & often wonder just where i would be, when the wolves are at the door of my mind, if it were not for *You*
(((Hugs))) & *kisses* Always
Natalie, i love the beautiful words your Beautiful self uses to 'remind me' *kisses*
DDZ my dearest Heart sista, i am deeply grateful for YOUR Voice Always xoxoxoxox
Sweetest Mango, *You* are Always ~there~ for me with Love & Laughter, i ~Love~ You more (((hugs)))
Annie, my Heart soars to know that another understands my Heart language *Kissez* (Good Luck with the obsession that is ~Lost~)X:-)
Robin, Sista's of the Heart we are Indeedie Doo! <3 <3 <3
and Tusk, Yes we way down ~here~ do celebrate Mothers Day this Sunday too & be my guest and give your wife a big (((hug))) with my words if it will fill her Heart X:-)
Hi Red Lipstick X:-) and Thank*You* for dropping by with those kind words xox
P.S. I wanted to add that I think MOTHERHOOD is a very improtant JOB, the most important and one you don't get paid for. Be proud!
xoxo
Both my parents worked all though out my childhood, and I hated it. And we didn't need the money, we had plenty. I think being a parent is one of the most important jobs on this planet, not to mention the stability your children get that manifest in the adult life. LOOK AT ME VICKI... I'm nuts! Next time someone asks you that question, I think you should say 'I'm one of the fortunate ones who lives to inspire people'
Hey Red, i know that you are right, it's scary sometimes though when you sit with the realization that you are helping to shape the worlde through your flesh & bones (eeeeek! What was i thinking!?!)
And btw Red *You* are the most beautiful type of people, the funn-est, the most unpredictable, most artistic and most lovable kinda "nuts"... infact would you be as much fun if you weren't a little "nuts" i wonder???
so Thank~you for those kind words, but i suspect that i ~Love~ nutty people because they are just like mE! (Ps) (((hugs)))
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