i remember the way i felt when we brought my Firstborn home in the car (After a week in hospital, which is a luxury now!) ... My husband and i were scared that any little bump would hurt her and worried unreasonably of damage that might be irreversible! We were frightened that we might crash or that if she cried and i couldn't reach her tucked so snugly in her car seat/crib that she might suddenly die somehow!... i remember that drive home in slow motion, as terrifying!
i have since, of course, learned to live with the terror and uncertainty of Motherhood... i have learned to take each new day as it comes, to view each hurdle as a learning curve and as each new obstacle has arisen, i have tried to view it as simply a part of the rich journey of Parenting...
And now again find myself in a similar situation... Having 'survived' the drive home from cancer and a re-occurrence, i have come to understand myself as someone innately different for and because of the experience... i have dealt with the ups and downs of treatment and have found a way of viewing the journey of illness as a vehicle for learning about myself... This is good and wonderful and just as magical as being a mother can be...
i make decisions now, as i have learned to with my children based on my instincts and intuition, i have learned to Trust that i have grown up and into a player in my Life, instead of just a survivor... i have fallen down many times and been to some very dark places... One in which i have just survived by simply paddling hard to keep my head above the emotional waters since December in fact and as recently as last week i had a rather large melt down over a tiny puppy... Who would've known that i was still so fragile?
But as the video above also talks about i have learned about inner strength and have taught myself how to get up again, just as i have taught my children after they have fallen off their bikes... i have made decisions that sometimes other people who love me have frowned upon, such as going off my hormone therapy (2 & 1/2 mths ago) after 2 & 1/2 mths (instead of 5 years) ...Because i have discovered that my Life is not just about surviving the hurdles, but also about the way in which i fly over them... Being on drugs takes me from my inner inspiration and my art and without that i was beginning to slowly die emotionally, i could feel the dark veil falling over me and i didn't want to leave this Life that way, and so i knew decisions needed to be made... For in my journeying i have discovered that fear has kept me from Living my Life for most of my Life and i have come to realise that a life lived in fear is a half life... and i know better than that now...
i still struggle and am right now worrying about what this and that ache or pain might mean about my health, and i think upon and worry about my dear bloggy friend Barry reflecting my pain and struggling with his illness... But then i try not to be too hard on myself and send Barry ~Love~ instead of darkness for i understand that he and i both are afteral Spirits on a Human Journey as are You and so we must remember to look outside at the blue sky and the sunshine (a wonderful sunny winters day it is today here) and forget that such things exist for in this very moment all is well in this worlde... and this is where i plan to stay
Sending You ~Love~ my dear friend...
May your sailing be smoother today Barry
(Ps) 2 good books i plan to read: The Brain That Changes Itself
and Breaking Loose From The Money Game
and Thankyou Daria for the utube link above
<3
8 comments:
what can anyone say but well done, you have grown through the pain to become an inspiration to us all.
Love and light to you always.
You are right sweetheart, and no-one said being right was always going to be easy. I am worrying endlessly about Barry too. I dreamed about him last night. :(
the brain that changes itself is beside my bed lined up for reading!
I iam currently reading the healthy skin diet, of which i am learning a lot, although i do not like the term diet for it is simply a way of eating and living and I would prefer the title the healthy skin LIFESTYLE, which is pretty much what you are talking about, a LIFESTYLE, a way of living that delivers balance in ALL areas <3
Barry has such a dear place in my heart also, as do you.
I am LOVING your new artwork btw. GORGEOUS. i do believe your wellspring of artistic life has been irrevocably opened and I am so very glad, because what is pouring forth is both beautiful and illuminating.
I love you
xxm
As I am willing to be more honest and avoid less, I see how there is no physical security - and this is a difficult truth to face. This world is a scarey and beautiful place. We are so brave to be here.
Your writing is so beautiful, as you are.
A wellspring of positiveness, taken from deep within yourself. You portray your strength as well guarded and yet remind us that the veil of your strength can become thin at times.
My admiration for you comes from the lifestyle you so deign. A curious word I've chosen. deign?
It's a verb, an earlier form of design. In some ways because of what life has thrown your way you have described the difficulty in which you have had to condescend to the demands that you distinctively feel have been placed in your way of progressing on what seems to have been the normal path. Wouldn't that have been mediocre and I'm sure at time much less interesting.
I'm sure the loss we suffer and the strength taken from us and our friends are great setbacks in what was a secure lifestyle.
So I will say again you have risen to be admired as a leader and are stronger then you ever knew you could be, and from this I admire and try to emulate your strengths.
You had a baby, a first born, and you drove home petrified, scared(normal and natural for many) but you just had a baby, what a joyous occasion. My first born I couldn't help but think who should I tell, who can I tell, I was so ecstatic (joyful or expressing ecstasy), I fell down with uncontrollable laughter when I thought of who I could tell. It was definitely something I don't normally do, this was an added gift, it was going to be a terrific ride. It snowed when I brought my first born home, I don't recall fear at any one time. I was still reeling in excitement, or maybe it was the 35 hours I was up. My wifes delivery went very well and quickly if 7 hours can be deemed quick.
Obstacles are placed to be moved, don't let them rule you, they can be markers in the road and reminders of what has been and how far we have come.
The joy is we have come along way to be this happy. When I read your blogs I always always get a strong sense of incredible inner strength, a loving humorous view of life. The ironies it throws at us make the humor, and these tribulations make the strength in which when we overcome them appear to be a mere ripples in this babbling brook of a stream that seems to be steering the course of our lives.
Not much great advice here, other than to say I'm very proud to have made your acquaintance, and I admire your strengths.
Is that a new Mango Avatar or is she just switching pictures up. I'm used to seeing those piercing blue eyes you both share.
i love you, vicki.
i read this slowly, knowing the importance of each word, each observation.
sometimes i wonder what i am being prepared for. renee, tessa, karin, you: wonderful wonderful women who teach me every day simply by how they live. i knew when my Father died (at home) that i would never again be afraid of death, but here in the blogs my education has been carried somewhere beyond that. i know the line is thin, thin enough that we never lose oneanother.
there's a big ocean between us, but as tessa reminds me, we share the same sky. i'm very glad of that.
love love love
kj
This is really an inspirational post for me. I love this line..."i have come to realise that a life lived in fear is a half life... and i know better than that now..."
I intend to give a couple of Hospice patients the address of your blog.The fear I see in these patients consumes them...and I need for them to see your quiet courage.
Thank you for this post, Nolly!!!
i ~Love~ you guys more than you will ever know *kissez*
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