More on Life Ever After...

Trying to stay in the moment... My daily struggle...



It's a beautiful foggy and rainy day today and after a busy morning organizing my family of 5 off for the day i thought i might sit, just me, you and the computer screen for a bit and think a little more upon yesterdays bits and bobs... i am lead to write this post today primarily because of a response from Marion (on yesterday's post)... Because Oh Lordy (!!!) i thought why (???) would someone want to pass my 'waffling~on' about Life (ie: My Blog address!) on thinking that it could be useful to someone who might be riding upon the wave of illness?
...And then i pulled myself up because of a morning telly program (that i caught 2 minutes of as i was sipping my morning cuppa... The kids had left the telly on as it is not my usual thing to waste too much time in front of it... Hee! Hee! Look at me making excuses already!) Because of a few words a woman being interviewed on a morning program said... that too many woman feel guilty about taking time out for themselves... And there i was, caught, mid- thought, thinking that very same thing!

i would go on to elaborate (i found myself thinking) that i would say that it is not just women, but often i have found those who are experiencing or who have had cancer (i will stick to cancer here because that is my experience, but i suspect it includes other illnesses too) are of a similar mind set... In my experience when i have met others dealing with breast cancer (in particular) i have often felt i was meeting a sister, so similar have our personality types been... And i know men can contract breast cancer too, as i have just had a flash back to the day i was sitting in drafty hospital gown, pre-surgery awaiting the removal of my breast... and i remember listening to a quiet conversation in the next cubicle of a man awaiting his chest tissue and nipple removal too... So it is not just women to whom i am referring here... But 'we' who have been on the cancer journey have more often than not been worriers who have put ourselves last and held on to secret fears and sadness-es... We are often so clever in this hiding of our secret selves, that others often see us as capable and strong and good listeners, but inside we have often in reality compounded our own insecurities by swallowing our pain, feeling guilty about giving to ourselves and putting others needs before our own...



But illness teaches me that by giving to myself, i give to others and so allow the Universe to provide... Let me show you what i mean...


So after posting on my blog yesterday i set off for a busy day of running errands and so there i was running frantically around like the White Rabbit from Alice In Wonderland flitting here and there, worrying (Just as i KNOW i shouldn't do!)... As i am currently concerned about the family budget (being the one in our family who deals with the financial concerns) and how i was going to make ends meet... It's tax time and the time of year when i sit and review the past year and set the pace for the next... It's the time that i look at school fees and what money i will need to save and set aside for January of next year, i think about Christmas and school uniforms and fees and books and children's braces how on earth i am ever going to be able to afford it all! ...And this year it was also co-incidentally (Lucky me!) time to review our housing loan (And so in my mind MORE financial worry!!!) ...And so it went on that the decision was made this year to lock in our house repayments for another 4 years... The idea is for us being that it is more important for our family in these uncertain economic times to have the security and peace of mind of a reliable regular payment ... And i mention this, as this is how i actually tackle my budget or as i call it my 'money worries' on a daily basis now... For being such a worry wart and understanding as i do that there is now much scientific proof of links between worry/stress and cancer and understanding that having this personality type that i need to be able to organize my money worries and then leave them on the paper... So that's what i have taught myself to do... i write it all out, set the budget and then all i need to do on a weekly basis is tweak things and try not to worry!... Because otherwise i will run around with my money worries constantly in my head and that as we all well know is NOT good for my/our health!!!


BUT in saying all that... There i still was running around yesterday like a chook with it's head cut off and i suddenly realised i was feeling very, very ill... and it was then that i thought to myself Vicki (i said) Vicki (i said to myself) STOP! So i stopped mid street took a deep breathe and heard my inner voice say...

~All will be well~

My inner voice/self/angels/guides/God/conscience whatever you see fit to call it was whispering to me and i suddenly realised that i was shutting it out with "fear"... Yes that damn fear again! Fear's voice was shouting in my ears that i was the only one that looked after the family budget and that if i got it all wrong what would happen to my family? Fear screamed at me, how dare you stop for coffee and waste that money! Fear told me off for having one day a week for my classes (Meditation and Spiritual Development) when i should be at home cleaning my dusty house! Fear told me off for wasting money on a puppy only to find that i wasn't emotionally ready! Fear told me i was hopeless who would want to ever employ me! Fear told me i still might have cancer and what if i died and left my family in financial ruin!?! Fear like a bully told me i was a bad friend, wife and mother and that i should spend the rest of my time on earth (because i probably wouldn't last much longer because i didn't deserve to) making sure i apologize for all the wrong doings of my life...fear! Fear! FEAR! Was SHOUTING at me! ...And the rain kept falling on me, and my heart was racing and i got a pain in my chest and i felt sick to my stomach and then...

That tiny little tiny voice whispered...

~All will be well~




So there i was standing in the middle of my local shopping strip with the rain disguising the tears in my eyes, feeling like i was about to have a heart attack and it was right then that i decided to ~breathe~ and not to listen to the shouting of my fears but to the guidance of the Love in my Heart...

And then i took one step in front of the other... i first went to the bank...

And in there the teller smiled at me and shared a story of her 15 yr old in student exchange over-sea's and how she felt in her mother's heart about that... Taking me from my worries and reminding me how lucky i am to have my children close to me at home...
i then moved onto the chemist...



Where i had a conversation about some pills i was taking for pain and my concerns that i could become addicted to them... My lovely chemist moved away from his busy day and showed me a little test to see how much stress i was carrying in my body and told me a story about how he coped with the stress that he sometimes built up in his body and how he released it... i then thanked him for his time and turned to see a line of people waiting and realised that he had not let me feel that i had at all wasted his time and yet he was obviously having a busy day...
And so i walked away, thanks to a kind piece of advice and a small moment given, calmer and empowered with a better sense of control in my not so controlled day ...and the feeling of nausea started to fade... Then i went to Centerlink (about a government/family payment reconciliation)...

Where i met up with a man who was so frustrated by the long waiting line, that he began pacing up and down behind me mumbling angrily to himself and making others feel uncomfortable... So for a moment, now feeling calmer myself, i forgot my fearful voice and listened to that little inner whisper (that was a little louder now) that suggested i befriend him... So i chatted to help him pass the time and let him go before me in the line... i learned that he was a country boy recently moved into town and that with my open friendliness (i think on reflection) that maybe in some small way i helped to confirm in his mind perhaps that it wasn't such a bad idea to relocate ~here~ and maybe folks might just be as friendly as 'home' afteral ... Then it was my turn at the counter...


And would you believe, i was unexpectedly due a rather large amount of money!!! X:-) i must have had a shocked look on my face (as i started excitedly calculating in my mind how this would be VERY helpful with my budget worries) that the very kind lady behind the counter said to me with a smile on her face, "Now you be sure to put a little bit of that aside just for yourself!" ...and with that a few small tears sprung into my eyes...

And so with that advice on my mind i left that building and went and had lunch in a little local cafe as a treat, and as the friendly girl behind the counter there smiled at me, i thought about a meditation i had in my class the day before...



In my meditation a man dressed like Colonel Sanders (No less! ...and i NEVER eat the stuff! Lol!) had showed me himself worrying over paperwork... He had shown me his worried face and then he had screwed up the paperwork and tossed it away and then presented me with an image of a stone in a pond and the ripple effect upon the water that it has... And with a slow realization i came to understand what my day was indeed really all about...

To STOP and to throw away the worry! And so i have decided i will take that as a guidance, i will take that as a sign and whisper that worry does me no good (As i well know!) that i simply just need to keep moving forward and be open to the people around me that serve me as my teachers and my angels and my reflection and i will remember that we are all connected and have an effect on each other... And i will remember that illness i can draw to myself, and that i can also takes steps to move away from it too ...That my life is less about an illness and more about understanding that my whole life is a beautiful symphony of players weaving in and out to support me and that all i have to do is differentiate between the voice and the whisper, between the shout and the advice... and so now as i write these words, a face has come into my mind, who i have been meaning to contact again... A lovely lady who i met in hospital when i was having my oophorectomy, so do you know what? i think i'll go and heed that advice, and i will remember to listen more to the Whispers of my Heart and less to the shouts ...and go write that letter i have been meaning to write for so long!

And now will ya looky there at that now! The sun has come out!



(Ps) And if you managed to stay with me right through that extremely long rambling today and not fall asleep *You* get a gold star! *Giggle*

X:-)