Contemplation

My ~dream~ (from yesterdays post) was more about the spare roof tin protecting my children... It spoke to me about the ~reasons~ for the extension we built...
i often find myself lately reviewing my life and searching for the unconscious motivations for the choices i have made in my life... i say unconscious because i made a comment the other day that i have allowed (in my naivety?) over the years, for ~life~ to simply take me with the tide... Perhaps in some ways the dream has told me, that i sell myself short? (Sheesh at this rate there's going to be nothing left to say when at the end of my days, i finally meet my maker Lol!)

So not so coincidently this morning, i was lead to read one of Bliss Chicks latest posts here and it struck a cord like lightening into my heart... as this too is/was me... i was that child who was ~different~ who saw the world in a different way, i could tell by the confused look on some faces and the way others dismissed me with an "Oh that's so typical of YOU, off with the faeries again!" ...Sometimes this was said with a kind eye but more often than not it was a criticism... My teenage years were spent feeling different to everyone else (and i realise in some ways that this is typical of the teen years) but for me it caused me to spend a lot of time with my thoughts sitting alone on the nearby beach of my youth, sketching, writing poetry and reading books about fantasy and ~otherworlds~and feeling more at home in a fantasy tale than in the REAL world... i sometimes used to fantasize about having origins from some other *magical* places (Lol!) But such were my feelings of being ~different~... i was always considered too sensitive for my own good and still now i think my mother feels a certain protectiveness for what she considers to be my ~sensitive ways~ Maybe it's just that i am "dancer" instead of "human" (!!!) (Quoting 'The Killers' song title again)

Even now people ask me "Well just what is it that you "do" Vicki?" and i have to say i falter, because my days are so ~full~ and yet so often they are spent in the ~other places~ and this just is not so valued in this world and so often i can't find the right words to explain... as if the language is not adequate somehow or i don't have access to the beauty that such a language would require... Does this sound lOOpy to you? (Sounds lOOpy to me when i re-read my words! Lol!) i actually function very well as a regular person by the way, you know mum, wife, sister, friend and i get the housework done (most of the time) and cook and pay the bills and have held down many regular type jobs, have lived alone and shared with others, have traveled, and loved and lost BUT i still have this empty place in my deepest heart, as if i have never been able to fully embrace who i REALLY am...



i tried to put some of this "way of ~thinking~" into a piece of art the other day that i would like to share with you as an explanation of sorts... Not that it is a fabulous piece or anything, but just how it came about as a thought process... i started with a piece of cloth with roses on it, and then i saw an image of an angel within the cloth, behind the roses there... Do you see?
This is always how i have viewed ~life~ as if there is something in the ~inbetween~ somehow and as a child and teenager could not comprehend how people took life so literally and well rather harshly i thought when there was so much subtly within the very fibre of life...

Could this be a true artists heart a beating deep within my flesh and bones? An artist that i perhaps have never been confident enough to fully embrace? If only i could better capture 'this' and learn to release it, be less ashamed of who i really am and stop making excuses for myself... Perhaps it could be the answer to my salvation? ...Perhaps if i could dig deep enough into the ~deep within~ where lays my ~reasons~ to be, among the tangle of my unconscious thoughts there just might lay the long ago lost ~me~

Are you still with me?
Bless yOu xox