My Father's Mother

Last night i could not sleep
so i finished the book i had picked up the other day from the op shop
a book that had called to me from dusty shelves
an 'as new' 2nd hand book, never once read
and i wondered to myself just why i should be reading such a story
that nobody else had bothered with before?

But ~Something~ was nagging at the edges of my memory
a voice was calling to me, to listen, to concentrate!
and as i struggled with the jigsaw pieces in my mind
trying to match the colors, i wondered if it had something to do
with my Father's Mothers perfume
that kept wafting around me, these past few days



and if it had something to do with why i had missed the bus yesterday
and had walked until i found myself standing in front of a 'Medium's' house? (or so said the sign on the fence)
...a sign i have never noticed before

Was 'She' calling to me?



Then today i found myself in a Wintery mist...
another sign of ~something~ in the air
as i have spoken about before here
'The Mist' has a habit of bringing with it
more than just memories for me...
and this time i found myself standing before a remembrance plaque
in a little park, of a little boy, now in ~spirit~
again, in a small garden, i have never noticed before



Why should 'she' call to me now?

The novel i read was called "The Judas Window"by Felicity Bielovich
"A true story of a woman's journey into the nightmare of prescription drug addiction and her courageous struggle to regain her sanity."
and it turned out to be a fabulous read and as i read the very last few pages
something *clicked* into place...

Ativan was a drug listed in the back of the book (among many others)
as one of the drugs misused and over prescribed by doctors
and i recalled with violent shivers the 'reaction' i had had to it
when it was prescribed to me, with other drugs, along with chemotherapy
And i remembered the stubbornness of my oncologist to still continue on with it at 1/2 dosage
-Which i secretly never did, because it made my skin crawl as if there were bugs beneath and made my mind go to strange and scary very DARK places!
The Oncologist said it was for nausea, which i never actually experienced
but because she never seemed to really 'hear' me, i lost faith in her and stopped treatment soon after...

And then another memory flowed back to me...

"Ding Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead!"
sang my mother down the telephone line
to announce the day of my Father's Mothers death
...and i had no feelings one way or the other
i knew it mean't she was at last dead
And THAT was that! Door closed!
Amen!



She was a bitch, my Father's Mother
and THAT is an understatement!
You can ask any and all who knew her
in fact some even went so far as to call her 'Pure Evil'
the Wolf in Grandmother's bedclothes
a callus, cruel woman who delighted in causing pain
the cruelest kind of pain with premeditated precision
to any innocent who had the misfortune to cross her path
In my case she stole the most precious jewel of a child's life
My father's capacity to Love me
Oh no! Being a child was no protection from her!
Just as in the tale of Red riding hood
i think she delighted in the fragility of the unsuspecting
and so the reason why i was always so reluctant to call her "Grandmother"
after the untimely death of my father
For to bring such a woman too close
was like inviting the Black Widow spider... to marry you

So why should i listen to her call anyway?

Then more pieces fell into place...
and as i began to put the puzzle together today
i remembered that my Father's Mother had a history of "Breakdowns"
and i thought about the stories of her 'shock treatments' and 'hospital stays'
and i read again in the book how Felicity had become a stranger to even herself
as she was medicated more and more 'for her own good' and how as she struggled with depression, and how more prescribed drugs had dropped her further and further into the dark pit of hell
And i read how in the end the pills had made her 'evil' to everyone that she loved
...and in the end, even to herself



And finally i understood that my Grandmother was calling
and finally i understood why she was calling...
In the only way she knew how
and in the only way she knew that i would listen...

To explain

and to say

she was

~Sorry~


x