i have cause to go a pondering...

i have had cause to ponder the "Meaning of MY life" on this cooler Sunday morning after a vist to this blog http://mummypandy.blogspot.com/ Natalie from ~Musings from the Deep~ has caused me to reach into some of my past pain to answer a question she posed (Jan 31st entry) about survival... and here are the thoughts that i thought...

For me... It was the same... i guess... i got to a point where i couldn't figure out "Why?" Why i hadn't just dropped dead from the pain of trying to live through the next moment... i was beyond my threshold... it was an agony of my heart and i broke... i cried... i went numb... then i stopped crying... and eventually feeling...



i made lists for the next day, because my brain ceased up and stopped serving me ...that daily list told me what i had to do ...and i ticked the things off... It's how i got through the next day... and the next... My mind i let talk about suicide but i didn't engage in the subject in an emotional, way but considered things coldly, and then i thought about the trauma this action would cause my kids... i listened to the voice in my head, but did not emotionally engage because quite frankly my heart had stopped and i did not have the energy for action... It took me all my time just to get through my list...



...and so on and on i went, in circles for years, where each day itself felt like a year... i became like a zombie and a stranger to myself and i just drifted through the days like a puppet... i tried not to make friends, but people adopted me anyway...

i believe in some ways that this saved me... That ~belief~ that so unconditionally came from others when i had lost the ability to have faith in myself... Then my beloved dad died and i began to ~feel~ again only it was so unbearably painful that my heart physically ached as if someone had reached into my chest, grabbed a hold of my heart, torn a bloody corner off and then shoved it back in again... this was the pain of learning to ~live~ again i now understand...

http://leelouis.com/

Then one day i discovered i had a serious illness... (Not surprising hey!) and that took me to a place of choice...

i believe one has that option when in this position... that perhaps we bring ourselves to this place purposefully... and i knew i could legitimately 'drop out' if i wanted to... i remember thinking that because my kids were older now, that perhaps they could survive without their mother...

and then i looked into their eyes...

...and with this action i allowed myself to engage with the voice in my head again and thought thoughts of responsibility... The responsibility of showing my children how to ~live~ because (i thought) what if when they had thoughts of me, (after i was gone) and they decided, in their thoughtful childrens minds, that my sadness was a 'regular life' ...and then followed suit?
...And what if THAT was my legacy?

...and what if because of this that all the love that i had shared with them, when i had nothing else, when that was all that i had...

became nothing to them?

http://www.deviantart.com/

... it was then that i realized that ~living~ was more than just this selfishness...
This began the painful process of ~feeling~ again ...and i had thoughts...

That living was more about engaging with life...

i am now engaging with my deepest self on all matters great and small and ThankGod for my artistic soul for this has been my only medicine and perhaps 'bloggy world' at this moment in time, in some ways, my saving Grace...

Thankyou Natalie for this opportunity to ~engage~

Vicki x