A letter

I have just been a wandering around and a reading of some other people's 'stuff' on other blogs... and it made me think of a letter l wrote once, to a person l hadn't met yet... Thought l might share it with you today...

To dear *******,

Oh dear reading your email brings tears to my eyes because l know from my own experience that the trials that you and your family are facing are so all consuming that you feel that there will never be an end to them ...and that this is the first thought in your mind in the morning when you wake and the last thought when you close your eyes at night... But know this one thing and that is, that there is always HOPE, that there IS a way out and you can and WILL survive this... This (and l know how cliché this sounds) but it is true... This is happening to you, not because you have done anything wrong in the past and not to punish you or anyone else, it is happening to you to teach you something... And the only way l know to help, is not to preach to you, or to give you some magical answer to this, but to tell you my story and how it has changed us... and to offer you my shoulder if you should ever need a place to cry, with someone who has lived through the same pain...

My Tamsyn... is now beautifully vibrant, quietly (although sometimes noisily!) happy, at school and home and to look at her now you would never know of her trials with anorexia... She faced this illness in her first year of ********'s (Year 7) although on reflection it really started in her last year of primary school... She has always been mature for her age and is one of those types of kids that hides her feelings, for the sake of not, ironically, wanting to hurt the feelings of others... She has always been a perfectionist with her school work and l have learned that part of my job as her mother is to teach her that learning is not all about getting high marks, but about getting something meaningful out of what you are taught... I still have to regularly remind her of this... I mention this as anorexic kids are often perfectionists, high achievers and 'bright' l have learned...

Tamsyn has had some trials in her life including being bullied at school-partly because of her weight when she was younger (as she was one of the bigger kids) and she has had to deal with the fact that she has severe food allergies (The type that require her to carry an epi-pen as they can be life-threatening)... I mention this because l have come to realize that the essence of Tamsyn's trials with anorexia were about her self esteem and these issues tended to make her feel alienated at times among her peers (ie) She was not 'normal' she used to say and she so wanted to be 'that'...

...Now she knows that she is unique (as is everyone) and that these qualities have make her kinder and more able to understand the trials of others (She now looks towards a career where she can help other people)... I also personally believe that today's children are too exposed, influenced and indeed targeted by our media into believing that to be happy they must be a certain size (I really get annoyed with 'skinny girl shops' like "Supre") and that they have to wear certain types of clothing to be accepted... How l hate this! As this does nothing but affect the self esteem of our young children, that then surfaces with a vengeance in their teens (I probably don't need to quote the rising figures of teenage eating disorders and teenage suicide rates to you)... It is my belief/experience that anorexia is a combination of self esteem issues, personality traits and media influence (and perhaps even some hereditary traits, as l too in my early twenties had undiagnosed anorexia)...

I also believe, through my daughters' and my own personal experience with an eating disorder, that anorexia is a mental or emotional disorder and so l came to realize very early in the peace, that 'making' Tamsyn eat was not really what the battle was all about (Although in the beginning this is what we focused on)... But that it was about ensuring that she got enough nutrition to keep her alive until we worked through her issues about herself and her feelings... Who she was, where she wanted to be, where she actually was, inside all of those onion layers of emotion... and clothes and obsessive compulsive exercising and anger and sadness and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts of wanting ...to die... I realized one day, in a very emotional moment that my daughter was trying to fade away from me...We were in the car and a song that Tamsyn often used to listen to at the time, came on the radio... As l listened to the words, tears started to run down my face and l turned to look at her and she was crying quietly too... It was a time when she was very uncommunicative and l asked her if this song was about her and she silently nodded... My heart broke...

SIMPLE PLAN LYRICS

"Untitled"

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

... As l looked at these words they helped me to understand the pain that she was feeling because she couldn't communicate them herself... I realized that she was hearing a voice in her head that was much louder than mine, that she felt guilty and bad about this and l started to understand that she was in so much emotional pain that she just wanted it all to stop and if it meant dying then so be it...She was tired of fighting the person in the mirror... I started to understand that when she was yelling at me, that she was really yelling at herself...

I felt so helpless watching her try to hide all the exercising until lumps and bruises appeared on her lower spine from all the sit ups, this l came to understand was to shut out the voice in her head... I still made her lunches everyday knowing that she would throw them away, it was to let her know that l hadn't given up... I searched for doctors who would understand and not think that l was just some over-protective parent (As some did) and realize that she had become very uncharacteristically good at lying ...That her personality had changed, that she was rude and nasty and angry and that this wasn't just teenager hormones, that it was like someone had stolen my child! ...Even when she started fainting and was always so cold that her finger tips were blue, she just hid herself under layers and layers of clothes so people couldn't see... They couldn't see the fine downe beginning to cover her body, they couldn't see the concave belly and how her joints were so prominent in her fragile thin limbs... No one could see and my husband just kept saying "Make her eat!" We came to know and understand that it was so much more than this... and l cried as her younger siblings asked me "Where Tamsyn was?" That was the hardest thing about it all for me, that she felt so unloved, by herself, that if l went to cuddle her, it was like l was trying to burn her... She couldn't let me love her anymore and l used to cry myself to sleep too...

I began dragging myself through the long days watching her dragging herself, always punishing herself... Walking to school at such a pace that our neighbors child couldn't keep up with her anymore... Dinner time was hell, in the beginning she separated her food in a ritualistic way, then she stopped eating certain things, until eating itself became a horrible painful process for her and l felt like some nasty torturer making her eat, pleading with her to eat just one more mouthful... You will know what l mean, as we all began to hate mealtimes... She wouldn't let us 'touch' any of her things either, her bed and etc for fear of 'germs' and she became obsessive compulsive about washing her hands, eventually this fell away to not wanting to shower at all...

So what did we do? Well, eventually l found a wonderful GP that took one look at Tamsyn and said to us... "Tamsyn l know that you have an eating disorder because you are afraid for me to weigh you and you are so layered by your clothes that l am unable to see who YOU are" and then she looked at me and said "We have one year"... Now don't be frightened by the 'time sentence" I don't think that that was what was important about the conversation because what this doctor had actually done for me was allowed me to give myself permission to take action, REAL action, within a time frame... I think before then l was just too afraid that anything l did or said might make it all worse...

So l began to seek help, l found a lovely dietitian, a psychologist and eventually l contacted the Bronte Foundation... and l began to trust myself... I realized that Tamsyn was so stressed by her emotions that she couldn't or didn't want to feel her feelings anymore, so every night l ran her a bath (Even though she would sit stiffly upright in it and never lie down) and l put drops of lavender essential oil in it and l would sit with her until the water went cold and began by saying that l knew that her head was saying really weird things to her and that she was too scared to tell me about it... She didn't believe me so l began to tell her about the strange things that used to sit in my mind when l was battling an eating disorder... She looked amazed and laughed for the first time in ages (Centuries!) ...And slowly but surely she began to speak the words that were so scary for her (It reminded me of how Harry Potter gave evil a 'name' to be able to face it... You find wisdom in the weirdest of places) ...I also used to stand her in front of the mirror before she dressed and describe her body to her because l realized that she couldn't 'see' it anymore... I would describe how her body went 'in' where it should naturally softly curve 'out' and described to her how her arms and legs should proportionally look... I did it gently as if l was describing a painting......I did this every night for about an hour, for about a year and l'm not going to sugar coat it, it was damn hard work... I had to devote myself totally to her with no distractions and no interruptions, no phone calls, dinner had to be later, my two younger children had to come second... It was hard, as my husband didn't came home from work until late... I explained as best l could to my littlies that Tamsyn was sick, because l knew in my heart that l had to find a way of reaching through to her somehow and it was the only way l knew... It was heartbreaking... But amazingly she one day starting talking about herself ...and not the voices...

...At mealtimes l started talking less about the 'action' of eating... l started talking about the mechanics of food and describing that the body is like a car and how it needs fuel to function and l started describing (What l learned from 'Googling' and my own experience) the effects mechanically on the body when it doesn't receive proper nourishment and how the body literally melts from the inside. I talked about 'good' fats (She was obsessed about them) and vitamins and how our body uses them and l also talked about exercising and muscles and what 'correct' exercising was and instead of trying to stop her obsessive exercising l taught her how to 'do it properly' and talked to her about how food would support her exercise...

We also made rules: I made a pot of minestrone` (soup) regularly (and kept it in the fridge) and heated it for her each night and the rules were that she stayed at the table until she had a small cup full... That much in a day was the minimum and she had no choice in the matter, to be truthful, that actually got down to mouthfuls... But the minestrone rule stayed and l used to pack it full of every vegetable on the planet (and some bacon bones which l removed) as she became obsessed with becoming a vegetarian (Sound familiar?)... I knew that she threw out lunch, and breakfast was a battle ground too, but the minestrone rule stood (Somehow!?!)

School was wonderful, her home group teacher was amazing, as she quietly worked behind the scenes (unbeknown to Tamsyn) talking to her peers and other teachers about lightening homework loads and the school used every little opportunity possible to address Tamsyn's illness in their subject matter discreetly and eventually Tamsyn took up these opportunities and we watched as she began slowly to let go of being ashamed and began to share some of herself with her school community... ******* you have your daughter, in my experience, in a wonderful school with some very wise and dedicated teachers l am proud to say... But this didn't come easily either, because before 'Tamsyn' could find where she 'should' be, we had to let her take control of her life again... In her mind she was fixed on the idea that l had 'taken' her from her primary school friends (ie) She had lost control of her life and l had 'dumped' her in a horrible school that didn't understand her. She told me l had done this to her and that l had ruined her life. She had a fantasy in her head that all her friends were happily together at the local High School just as in Primary school... And l won't deny that l did feel guilty because she had, finally, after all her years in Primary, kind of finally 'got it all together' in grade 6 (She went to a fabulous Primary school too that did a lot of amazing work with her concerning her allergies-But that's another story) and it was like l MADE her go to *******'s, and 'ruined' everything...but l just wanted what was best for her l kept explaining... What we realized though, was that she needed to learn the undeniable fact that CHANGE is an inevitable and natural FACT of life... So l let her leave *******'s... "You are mad, You are letting her rule you, You are not teaching her that she needs to do what she is told, for her own good!" ...Were just some of the things that some well meaning family and friends said to me... But my heart said that she had to learn for herself and so we took her out of *******'s and enrolled her where 'she' thought she 'should' be, until the end of Year 7...And she found out (as we had hoped she would) that everyone had moved on... And we started talking about the meaning of friendship... She started to realize that she actually had some people around her already that really cared about her, because through all of her illness they had not given up on her and she realized that they were her friends at *******'s... And amazingly she re-enrolled the next year at *******'s... I can't tell you how much faith that was required of her Principal but she is a very kind person as l have come to know and she was willing to do whatever it took to support Tamsyn and l'm happy to report that she has maintained that stance and to her credit Tamsyn has became a wonderful contributor to her school community.

...As so she started 'coming back to us...

...So what is my advice to you? To listen to your heart for only YOU know your daughter as you do and part of this journey is about getting to know each other more... You will find the answers you are looking for in the patterns of her life... She does want to be rescued, she has just lost her way for a time and forgotten who she is and it is your job to help her find her path again...And she will because she has you and you love her...

This is a little letter Tamsyn wrote when she found her way home to us again... and my reply below that...

"I sat down and looked at my life and realised that if I didn’t do something, the bubble would get caught in the wind and drift away until there was nothing left. I decided to put my foot down and take control and to be happy again." ...Tamsyn

LESSONS...from my daughter

My daughter has taught me about the interconnectedness of us all...How we are, each of us, reflected in each others lives...I have learn t about the power of the mind and that the difference between living and dying, is within the invisibility of a thought...I have learn t that the wisest of beings, can be the youngest...I have learn t how to listen to the silence and "Make it so..." And l have seen the strongest of life threads within the most fragile of shadows...

My first born has taught me to listen with my heart and to 'see' with my ears...and l now understand the importance of living an authentic life...I have seen through my daughter that pain is only so, if not shared, that tears can be invisible and that true laughter shines in your eyes...yes in the "windows of the soul"...

I now know that we all need time to reflect, but that 'time' is the ultimate trickster, because within the space of a moment...Can be a Lifetime...I have learn t the value of the "Earth Angels" that surround us everyday, for they are those folk holding our hands as our tears fall and pouring the tea to put the warmth back into our hearts again...I have learn t to 'Trust' and to have 'Faith', and have seen God in the eyes of kind strangers...

My daughter has taught me the value of the gift that is life and l will love her for Always for the beautiful insights into her heart and the poetry of her simple truths...My heart bursts for the God given gift of my daughter...

To Tamsyn, Love from Mum xxx

...After Tamsyn came back to us l was diagnosed with Breast Cancer (Christmas 2005) and Tamsyn has stood by my side, never giving up on me ...as l did for her...

...We figure we are even now X:-)

*I am now going to include some info that may be helpful to you:

This first one is a website a girlfriend of mine recommends as they are a community that are mindful of the sometimes expensive process that getting help for an eating disorder can be... Some free advice and free appointments apparently: http://www.eatingdisorders.org.au/

I have also received this week in the mail, some info from The Bronte Foundation: www.brontecentre.com.au and if you click on the conference link you will see some seminars happening shortly that you might find helpful...

Good Luck *******,

And l hope some of this info may help... Feel free to email me, or not, it doesn't matter, as l know how busy you will be at this time...

But good luck to you and remember to: "Follow your heart, because it is this ability, in the midst of your trials, that will be the measure of you " VT

Kindest Regards,

Vicki