i still ~believe~
i still believe that you CAN cure yourself of disease...
of illness...
i don't just believe this...
i KNOW this...
for surely my scans would have shown worse?
i am doing some things right
but my saddnesses are contained within my breast
and they speak to me...
of the way i have lived my life thus far...
and still do...
THIS i can work with...
i have learned from a ~master~ the 'how to'
and i can...
and i do...
work with this ~truth~
for THIS is what my life IS now...
and i know no other way...
there is no other way for me now...
there is no OTHER way...
once you have recognized 'the illusion'
But the 'illusion' still speaks to my earthly body....
and so i still have far to travel...
to 'cure' yourself on the physical level...
you need:
blind faith...
true, unequivocal, pure, blind to the illusion... FAITH
and a ~devotion~
that is blind to ALL else in your life...
you need 24hrs a day... total devotion to ~self~
to the exclusion of ALL else...
to the exclusion of everything else in your physical life...
and this requires a life style and a partner that is TOTALLY devoted to ONLY ~you~
and NOTHING else...
and a lifestyle that has no distractions to turn your head...
i have a husband that has a busy working life
that supports...
a busy family...
i have children...
...i know in my heart that at some stage in this existence that is mine...
that i chose this...
i chose a life where these decisions...
would have to be made...
and so i am not angry...
i am sad...
but not angry...
but i have battled with myself...
i have sat with myself...
and i have argued with the illusion...
crazy woman!
and made bargains with the illusion...
crazy woman!
and i have come to a place...
where i have chosen my ~family~ over myself...
illusion?
i have chosen the surgeons knife...
over the 'alternative' options...
illusion?
I have chosen the easy way out...
illusion!
but this has been the choice...
that God gives me...
i do not fool myself though...
because you cannot runaway from yourself...
i know...
i have learned...
that no matter how far you run...
into the illusion...
you just run closer to yourself...
i know this...
for here i am again...
holding hands...
again...
with cancer...
there will still be work to be done...
and i can do this...
and i will do this...
i do, do this...
and i will make the sacrifices that i need to...
to move on...
with my journey...
but this sacrifice that i make...
is not the ~truth~
for truth cannot be cut out so easily...
i still know this to be true...
and i still ~believe~
and this is what makes it so hard...
to let go...
of this part of myself...
so if YOU too find yourself in this same place some day...
as many of us do...
try to remember...
that there is ALWAYS *hope* and FAITH and ~belief~
for these are the choices that God gives us...
xox
10 comments:
Darling Vicki, in my healing journey I have also found that I need help. Help from others to assist me to go where I was unable to see, but willing to go. I thought I could do it by changing myself, and that is so important, but I couldn't do it alone. That is what healers are for. Their love, their sight, helps us find that love and sight in ourselves.
You are not taking the easy way out!!! Surgery is not a failing. You have not failed in any way, surgery is an option given by the same Source that gives us all our opportunities and blessings.
Bless you dear heart.
Bless you dear, what rich writing again today. And it's not an easy way out, it's a valid, solid choice. Your family will be unspeakably grateful for you to have made that choice and we all know what happens when we make choices out of pure love-- the rewards meant for others come back to us also, in SPADES.
I send a hug to you dear friend.
i believe
my mom is a survivor
she parades with one boobie..
and a "cutlet" in her bra
she swims everyday...
my mermaid mom
i beleive..
i have magic shoes ..
magic breast cancer shoes ...
i don't
know how to
post them here ..
they are on my blog ..
go ..
look ...
believe believe believe
ya cancer fucking sucks but that doesn't
mean you can't believe in healing....surviving ... living life!!
hugs...
maggie
I'm so in awe of your brave choice Vicki. You're a true goddess.
Sending you all my admiration for your decision . . .
Sending you all the strength I have . .
Sending you optimism and hope . . .
Sending you thanks for your wisdom and sharing . . .
Sending you love and friendship. . .
Hugs,
Nancy (nanakin1)
My dear dear Vicki,
I am so in AWE with you, that it's very difficult for me to put it into words my friend.
Last night I read your post, and then went to bed and slept on it, literally.
The words that you have written here speak the TRUTH for many of us mothers out there ... how it influences our choices, our decisions ...
I have no cancer Vicki, but I have been at the EXACT same place that you have just described; it's like you just wrote a recent journey that I have been on for the last 2 years ...
It's absolutely amazing how God is able to bring people together ... to bring together sisters of sort!
We are soooooooo soooooooo sooooooo LUCKY to have you Vicki in our lives ~ you are such an amazing soul.
I love you,
Carla :0)
Dear Vicki,
You are amazing. Simply amazing in the purest of essence of the word. Your life was meant to be an inspiration...your choices as much as they are your own...flow into the universe and influence all of us. Because of this, there is no easy or hard choices, there is no right or wrong, there just is a choice...and each choice you make is worthy of dropping the labels and existing souly for what it is...a facet in your beautiful life. I am grateful for you, for your strength, and your ability to open your heart and share your journey with all of us. All my love, my friend.
Peace & Love.
Hey Vicki!
I was just over at Red Pearl's blog and she has this video on her most recent post that made me think of you. You have to go watch it...you're gonna cry though. I did.
Peace & Love.
i have run out of words and i only have the tears of gratitude and thankyous from my heart... Thankyou so much for taking the time from your busy lives to be here for me ... i know that these choices would have been much harder without you... i am the lucky one and i'm not that brave by the way X;-) YOU are my strength right now... know that i love you my cyber sista's... for YOU have been placed in MY life by some wonderful, bEaUtIfUL ~magic~
...and my heart whispers to me...
that it is ME who is really the lucky one...
and i'm not too shy to say...
i love you
xox
Post a Comment